3 Things That Will Survive a Nuclear Blast

Now most of you think that there are only two things that will survive a nuclear war: cockroaches and twinkies.  Well, we’ve got some news for all you fans of those goo-filled disease spreaders and cockroaches… neither will.  Both die.  Cockroaches = dead.  Twinkies = deadsies.  According to our researchologists, there are only three things that would survive a nuclear blast. 

We should start going to church.

 3.  The World of Warcraft 

 

We WANT our sons to get laid, it's our daughters we hope never get laid. Noob.

 

The World of Warcraft is bigger than the world we all live in.  11 million people play “WoW,” as it’s called by most poeple who were tired of hearing Emeril’s “BANG!” all the damn time in the late 90’s.  Think about that, 11 million people is a small HUGE fucking army.  Not to mention the 22 million people that don’t talk to their children everyday as a direct result of WoW.  WoW has survived many things that should have destroyed it already.  For example, WoW has actually flourished despite people being able to go outside and enjoy a sunny day playing with friends.  See, that’s something WoW didn’t account for before it’s launch… people have legs.  But WoW doesn’t give a turtledove’s shit because it still, it makes about 1 billion dollars every second on lonely people worldwide. 

WoWza has flourished despite the fact that some of its player base have the ability to have sex with someone else.  Most of its players have sexual organs, or so we bet.  Normally, if something got in the way of these two things, it would be thrown away like a couple of the Octomom children in five months [you know it’s gonna happen].  WoW-yo players have other options in their life, like eating and drinking, but those things fall by the wayside because those things force an individual to not have his/her hands on a keyboard and mouse at the same time.  WoW players have actually evolved into human beings who need no sustinance.  They can survive on leveling and blue items alone.  We’ve actually confirmed that Blizzard, the owner/operators of WoW, made a deal with the devil so that if everyone on Earth did die in a nuclear blast, WoW subscribers would still be allowed to play from Hell.

"Not NOW HONEY!! I'm about the level!!"

2.  Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow wasn’t born.  Tim Tebow is the modified version of the T-1000.  He is composed of entirely mimetic metal alloy [which enables him to recover from any damage] and the blood from a horde of lygers [which enables him to have exceptional skills in magic].  According to our leading specialists in the field of Tebowology, Tebow has survived being run over by a platoon of tanks, boxing a group of clones made from Bruce Lee’s DNA and being stabbed by a sting… … fuck it, and being stabbed by a sting ray. 

Yes, he is holding the freshly ripped-off limb of an opponent.

 Tim Tebow is so indestructible that Hollywood is actually making a movie called “Tebow vs. The Nuclear Blast.”  In the final scene, the nuclear blast is heading towards Tebow.  We got the script and this is the last line of the movie.  Tebow says, “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he punch a hole in six of my friends or two-hundred and fifty-three?’  Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself.  But being as I’m Tim Tebow, the most powerful creation in the world next to Jesus, and I’d punch your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lukcy?  Well, do ya, nuke?”  Screen fades to black and one single punching noise that deafens the audience for up to three weeks.

There’s no question about it, Tebow could punch a nuclear blast in the face and it would shy away in the same fashion rainbows seem to shy away from Detroit.  Oh, and Jesus has his back like BIG TIME.  They have their own handshake and stuff.

"Want some, nuke? Praise God."

1.  Saturday Night Live

Saturday Night Live is going into its unprecedented 35th season this fall.  That’s a longer run for the skit show than 98% of marriages in Canada where one spouse was a farm animal.  The show has been going on longer than Bill Clinton has been cheating on Hill-dog with sperm junkies.  It should be noted that 35 years is, however, substantially less than any Dave Matthews Band solo or Fall Out Boy song title, both of which would be immediately dusted in the wake of a nuclear blast if there is a God.   

"Stop it already! We get it. You can play the guitar."

 SNL is still on television.  Think about all the things it has survived.  The existence of Jimmy Fallon would kill enough audiences to make most television producers cut their wrists, but SNL survived.  Seth Myers spent time writing for the show, which actually did make some audience members reach for anything alcoholic.  Adam Sandler, Will Ferrel, Jim Breuer, Jim Belushi, Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Chris Farley, David Spade, Phil Hartman, Norm Macdonald, Tim Meadows, Eddie Murphy, Dennis Miller, Chris Rock and Bill Murray have all left the show.  That would basically be like taking the monitor, keyboard, hard-drive, internet connection, mouse, any plugs and everything else except the mouse pad away from your desk and you still sitting there playing with the mousepad.

"Honey, come here! You gotta see what the mousepad is doing!!"

 If a nuclear blast hit whatever Godless place that SNL is shot, chances are it would destroy all of the cast members if not from scorching fire burning their flesh from their bones, then out of direct spite for every Weekend Update skit from 2004-2008.  Nonetheless, Lorne Michaels, or as we call him, the last Highlander, would remain unharmed and would force the skeletons of his employees to do skit upon skit about how some guy is also a monkey who isn’t a monkey and can get ladies [reference Mr. Peepers if you don’t get it] or about how some girl thinks she’s a “Superstar!” even though she’s obviously just a “Delusional-Stalker!”  Look, SNL is getting better thanks to some dudes on a “Motherfucking Boat!” but that’s the point.  Nothing will kill SNL, ever.

"I suck more than a nuke and I couldn't destroy it." *Tee-hee-hee*