Adam Lambert is Gay… We Thought This Was Public Knowledge

This is what gay heaven must look like.

So we don’t watch the American Music Awards.  We don’t watch the Teletubbies either.  We didn’t see Adam Lambert make out with some dude while he was performing at the AMAs, because of our deficient Award Show Watching Behavior.  But all that said, are we surprised that Lambert made out with a dude during his performance?  Are we surprised that he put some dudes face all over his junk like that one kid did to that famed apple pie in American Pie?  No.  Why aren’t we.  Because we’re not fucking idiots.  The dude likes dudes. 

See. Boobs gross this dude out.

You don’t need a damn calculator to figure out that equation.  Dude who likes dudes+clothes with sequins+other dudes who like dudes+an audience+music that talks about dudes banging dudes = someone has their face plugged into like a socket and someone does a lip tug.

That equation is in this book. Seriously.

So why are we writing about this?  Well, Good Morning, America pulled Lambert’s live performance the next day.  They didn’t call Lambert and say, “Hey dude, we know you’re probably blowing a dude right now so in response to our question, just give me an ‘mmm hmm’ if you get it.  Can you tone down our live show with you tomorrow morning and like just sing and dance instead of attempt to get a BJ from a dude and make out with another dude?”  Lambert probably would’ve responded with a veritable onslaught of ‘mmm hmms” and a mouthful of gross to boot but GMA didn’t go that route.

The faces you made after thinking about that last phrase.

So we like analogies here and analogizing and analogous shit so, here goes, what analogies can we come up with for “how dumb you would have to be to think that Adam Lambert would have a performance that wasn’t pretty hardcore gay after seeing him for 1 second on any TV show or news report ever.”

• That would be like if you were a college girl and you asked Tim Tebow to come over to your place.  If you think he’s going to touch your womanly parts instead of reading you the scripture, it’s because you haven’t heard a Tim Tebow interview.
• That would be like if you were a baseball player and the Yankees offered you a contract worth tons of money.  If you think you’ll ever get into heaven after taking the offer, you’ve obviously never read the Yankees deal with the devil.
• That would be like if you bought a box of Frosted Flakes and when you opened the box, you were pissed because you expected Fruity Pebbles to be in there.
• That would be like if a teacher told you the answer to the question was “zebra” and so you wrote down “foundry” and the teacher told you it was wrong and wrote, “Dude, I told you it was zebra, how did you mess this up” and your response was “OH, you meant zebra as in the animal and not zebra as in the foundry.”
• That would be like if you read an online advertisement that said, “CLICK HERE TO CURE YOUR CANCER” and you’ve clicked the button before and still had cancer and you still clicked it and you were pissed when you still had cancer after clicking it

"Actually, that scripture read, 'I'm not touching your bullets, babe.' Amen."

Look, basically Good Morning, America must be run by short-bus driving monkeys.  The dude is GAY-A-Y, gay.  We’re not talking “Big Gay Al”-gay, we’re talking the “Mister Miagi that taught Big Gay Al how to be Big Gay Al”-gay.  Hey guess what, we’re straight.  If you put on some music, some hot chicks and an audience for us, we’re gonna try to touch some breasts, why, because we think they’re fucking manna sent from the heavens to save us from certain doom.  We think if we can touch them, just a million of them, there’s a chance for us to experience the joy of everlasting life and we’re taking the chance at jail to obtain such a prize.

If there really is a boob touching app, we're all getting iPhones.

Maybe, just maybe, Lambert thinks the same thing about another dude’s junk.  Sure, it’s gross.  Seriously gross, but the dude isn’t scared to tell you he thinks touching other dudes junk is getting him into a FABULOUS heaven.  So if you thought he was going to go straight for your TV show, it’s because you haven’t realized just how gay Good Morning, America really is.  Good day.

An Argument to Stop Reading Books

Preach my brother!

Books suck.  Maybe you’re wondering why?  Why do these jackholes think that books suck?  Well, let us tell you.  If you’ve read anything from a People Magazine to the Bible lately, you’ve heard that the second installment of Twilight comes out in a couple of days.  Why, of why does this concern the GTJ guys who have constantly berated Twilight as nothing more than “a shameful piece of trash slowly devolved by a chipmunk intenstine into nothing more than small rodent feces which we accidentally step in, only to send us into a seemingly drunked rage which ends with hostages, a demand for more Twinkies, 16 hours of non-stop WHAM! on a radio station a la Airheads the movie and a police officer dressed up as Bilbo Baggins.”  Why would any group of individuals who wrote that about Twilight ever write anything ever again?  It’s because they made a fucking second one.

Whoever made this deserves the goddamn Nobel.

So some idiots like to read books.  But unlike our arguments for any and everything else we’ve ever written, we have a good argument for a good old fashioned global book burning like they did when they found out Curious George was getting humped by the Man in the Yellow Hat in that one book.  So, what’s our argument?  Riddle this one out:  if anyone writes a good book, some motherfucker in Hollywood, probably Michael Bay, is going to try to make it into a movie.  Now you’ve alread read the book, right?  Yes, you have.  And it took you what?  Like 9 hours to slam through the pages of The Cat in the Hat?  Yeah, it took a while to read any book that’s ever going to be made into a movie.  And now that you’ve spent a goodly portion of your mind-numbingly worse than 20/20 vision life reading that book, when you hear that they’re making a movie about it, there’s like a 145% chance you’re going to go and see the movie. 

People who can read drink the SHIT out of this stuff.

Now stick with us here, because this is where it gets really easy to understand and all of you start daydreaming about blowing any number of Twilight dudes.  Every MOTHERFUCKING person who has ever read a book that gets made into a movie has gone to see that movie with US.  And every time, we leave saying, “Man, that shit was dope son!  Do you know what I am saying?” [If you didn’t see that South Park episode, shame on you].  And every motherfucking time, you assholes say, “Oh… MY GOD!  That was soooo much not betterer than the book and like, I could have like, told you a thousand times that I knew it was going to be awful, but like boo.  All I can say is boo.” 

Everyone who says shit like this looks like this.

So let’s get this straight.  You spent like 16 hours reading the book.  You spent like 3 hours watching the movie if you take in previews and getting to the theatre and stuffing your face with lard-drenched popcorn.  And you’ll spend like 145 hours complaining about how much better the book was than the movie.  That’s like 800 hours in total.  Us, on the other hand, never read the fucking book and we liked the movie.  How long did it take us to watch the movie, 4 hours and it only took that long because we laid down some game on your sisters after it was all said and done.  Do the math.  You spent an exponential more amount of time being upset with the concept than we did because we weren’t upset at all.  We just thought that the explosions and shit were cool in that movie, whatever it may be.  We don’t give a fuck what the director left out because we don’t have a fucking clue what the director left out.

I know there's a hand up my ass. Why do you think I fuck Miss Piggy? That's all this guy, Doc.

In summation, to protect ourselves from ear rape worldwide delivered by people who “can read” and “have read a book in their life” and who “understand poetry,” we are begging you, all of you, to stop reading and trying to teach your kids how to read.  Please God, just take them to the movies.  By teaching them to read, you’re just teaching them how to have expectations way too tall for film makers and for audiences who can’t read.  Think of the film makers you assholes!  Think of the film makers!  And not thinking of film makers and illilirit [that was intentional fucktards] people, well, that’s a hate crime.  So, stop making your kids commit hate crimes by teaching them to read and then allowing them to tell us less-fortunate folk how much the movie we just watched was a “pile of shit strewn from the bowels of the most putrid beast Satan himself has ever bred.” Leave us to our blissful ignorance because all of you people reading this right now, you’re just modern day Nazis.  Okay, that was way too far.

So shut the fuck up and laugh at the monkeys.