Fall-out of Arizona’s New Immigration Law

This past Friday, Governor Brewer of Arizona signed a bill into law which allows police officers to ask for identifying papers from any individuals the officer reasonably believes to be illegal.  Man, there were a ton of illegal immigrants that got upset and protested.  Seriously, all the illegal immigrants got all pissed off and they were like, “Hey essay.  What chu talkin bouut?  I am here ligeagley.”  But for real, they were all pissed off.  It’s cool though, because as a direct result of this new law Arizona’s population is going to drop by 19 million and Nevada’s is going to jump by like 23 million.

Arizona: Saying fuck off to illegal immigrants since 2010.

They were like, “Hey, this is going to lead to discrimination and profiling.”  And we’re all like, “Hey, suck our balls.”  And they’re all like, “Huh?”  And we’re all like, “America.  Fuck yeah.”  But here is why there is no logical argument to this bill:

1.  Argument: “It’s going to lead to profiling and discrimination.”
The chances are that if you’re of Hispanic decent you’re more likely to get asked to show your ID.  But that’s not discrimination, that’s statistics.  If there were Asians flooding this country illegally we’d be looking at Asians.  If there were Germans flooding this country illegally, we’d be looking at white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Arnold look-a-likes.  You’re all fucking retarded… ROFLcopter.  If “your people” used the proper channels this would be a non-issue, in Spanish, non-o, issue-o.  But, as such, they’re doing something illegal and police officers have a duty to protect the public.  I know, that’s a lot different than in MeHICO.

I'm guessing it's the brown thing with the sombrero. Could also be the alien drinking coffee. Never mind. Sombrero mouse just fell asleep and its not even 1 p.m. Definitely him.

As of 2006, illegal immigrants, were culpable for the deaths of an average of 12 American citizens every day either through violent offenses or negligent criminal offenses like drunk driving.  And no, it’s not because the stereotypes are true and because you all love to drink and get drunk and then drive and then all pile into a pickup truck and then all be drunk, throwing up on each other, blaring Ricky Martin over the radio blaster while you’re drunk driving.  That’s called a fucking problem you left-wing fucktards.

Matter of fact, the only reason this bill really got any wings was because one of your “broken-English, I’m gonna drink Tequila and speak Spanish because I love my heritage but I’m fleeing my country because my heritage has lead to a corrupt and disheveled government and country” brothers murdered a well-known senior citizen American rancher in Southern Arizona after jumping the U.S./Mexico Border.  If you’re here illegally start a running.  If you’re not, just make sure you have your fucking wallet and I.D. on you and stop crying… a boo hoo hoo.  Here’s a tissue for your vagina.

2.  Argument:  We have to carry documentation?!  This is just like Hitler…

Hitler killed Jewish people.  There was no legal way for them to co-exist with Hitler.  If any individual from another nation wants to move to America they just have to go through the proper channels.  OH MY GOD!  You mean we don’t have to be here illegally?  There is a way for us to be here legally without having to worry about getting deported?  Yeah, fuck that because then we’d have to pay taxes and shit, we don’t wanna pay that shit.  Zing-Zang Boom.  Finish HIM Arizona!  Flawless Deportation!  Recognize illegals!  Re-Re-Re-Recognize.

Why do zee people referenze me everytime they want to make zumthing zeem evilz?

3.  Argument:  This is the federal government’s duty, not Arizona’s.

If the federal government is failing to provide adequate enforcement or legislation in support of laws which are affecting a state in a negative way, that state has the opportunity to pass a law which will provide the necessary support.  When Arizonans are getting killed by illegals and the Fed is sitting on its thumb and spinning or checking out a Wizard’s basketball game like the Big O does, not only can Arizona pass a law like this, but it is their duty to their constituents to do so.  Research burn bitches!  Ouch, we’re on a FI-FI-FI-AAAAAA!!

FLAWLESS DEPORTATION!!!!!

4.  Argument:  We’re activists and illegals don’t have a voice and have their civil rights abused and we have to speak for them.

They don’t have a voice because they don’t speak English.  They have their civil rights abused because they’re here illegally.  They’re here illegally because they don’t want to pay taxes and because Mexico and South America sucks in general.  We’re advocates for the dead American citizens at the hand of illegal immigrants.  Aww, let us guess, no response.  No, it’s cool.  We’ll wait for your explanation.  And then wait again… and then wait again.

DAMMIT! That is a really good point... Okay, 1 illegal per Chipotle or Qdoba.

Barack Zoolander… He’s a Model, Idiot.

We recently had a chance to sit down with Model-in-Chief, Barack Zoolander.  The topics we discussed were as follows: the new health-care bill, how sweet being a model is, his motto “Change,” and what it really meant, and of course, that fateful day with the freak gasoline fight accident.

"What is this? A Nation for ants? It needs to be at least... 3 times this big."

GTJ:  So, Mr. Model-in-Chief, thank you so much for inviting us to the White House.

BZ:  You are very welcome guys.

GTJ:  We don’t recall ever seeing the Oval Office with mirrors lining the walls.  Is that new?

BZ:  Yes.  I’ve been working on a few of my new looks, want a preview?

GTJ:  We would all literally club the cutest, tiniest, most adorable kitten in the world for one.

BZ:  Good, because those are my terms.  Agent Bradley, please go grab Mr. Cutesy-Wootsy.

Agent Bradley:  Yes sir Mr. Model-in-Chief.

Poor Mr. Cutesy-Wootsy.

[5 minutes later]

GTJ:  [crying]  Oh God.  That was so much more awful than we expected.  How did he have so much blood in him?

BZ:  It always is.  Anywho, a deals a deal.  Here is a new look, it’s called “Bipartisanship.”

"Bipartisanship" in all of it's glory.

GTJ:  Thundercracken!  That was amazing.

BZ:  I know, right?  You got the whole finger thing right?  Cause th…

GTJ:  We got it.  So some folks are pretty upset with you.

BZ:  Well, that’s what the whole bipartisanship look is all about ya know?  It’s like, Hey, I hear ya.  We can’t always get what we want.  But sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

GTJ:  Rolling Stones?

BZ:  Only thing in my iPod right now.

GTJ:  [after moving around in our chairs a bit, we noticed some creaking coming from the floor] Huh?  Looks like the old Oval Office might need some re-flooring, huh Mr. Model-in-Chief?

BZ:  Nope.  Trap door.

GTJ:  …

BZ:  …

GTJ: …

BZ:  But yeah, who knows?  Health care this, health care that?  To be honest, I’m really only trying to do stuff at this point.  Saturday Night Live really kicked me in the testes with that whole “I haven’t done anything” bit.  I mean right in the groin ya know.  Like a mallet right to my go-nads.

GTJ:  Yeah, but you can admit it was pretty funny.

BZ:  [Pulls a box with a red button off his desk]  Yeah.  You know what else is funny?  This is the button that opens the trap door.

Red buttons, unlike Chinese Massage Parlors, have no happy endings.

GTJ:  …

BZ: …

GTJ:  Yeah, like we were saying it was pretty funny how terrible Saturday Night Live has gotten.

BZ:  …

GTJ:  Especially since Fred Armisen or whatever his name is got on there and started doing that terrible impression of you.  We would all definitely beat him with brass knuckles.

BZ:  Agent Bradley.

Agent Bradley:  On it sir.

More fun than Mr. Cutesy-Wootsy's demise.

[5 Minutes later]

GTJ:  Good God.  He squirmed so much.  What was he saying there at the end?

BZ:  No clue.  I don’t speak Spanish.

GTJ:  So health care.  Do you think there is any middle ground you could reach with the Republicans?  It really seems as though the whole, “There are no red states, there are no blue states, there is just the United States of America” speech kind of went out the window.  We were big fans of that approach.

BZ:

"Bipartisanship" in all of it's glory. Again.

GTJ:  Yeah, Bipartisanship, it’s super.  But could you respond to our previous question?

BZ:  Change.

GTJ:  Huh?

BZ:  You wanted an answer, I gave it to you.

GTJ:  But that doesn’t make any sense?  Change what?  Change healthcare, cool.  But change it for the better and when we can afford it, not when it is going to have a negative impact on both the economy and citizens, right?

BZ:  [Pushes the button]

GTJ:  [Minus Brent]  BRENT!!  Holy shit!  You just killed Brent!  Why would y…

Brent:  [From the bottom of the pit]  Actually guys, I think I’m okay.  There was a bed of pillows.  It was actually pretty nice.  Like a roller co… Aw, hey.  Look guys.  A friendly donkey.

BZ:  Wait for it…

GTJ:  Huh?

Brent:  Hey Mr. Donkey.  How are you.. OH GOD!!  He has a serrated knife.  Ya know, like the one in Rambo!  Oh no.  He’s saying something in Spanish.  NO HABLA MR. DONKEY!  I’M SORRY-O!  OH GOD!  HE STABBED ME RIGHT IN THE NECK!  NOW HE’S LAUGHING AT ME!

BZ:  God I love that donkey.  You know that’s our symbol, right?  I was going for some symbolism there.

Mr. Donkey's Evil-iffic Face

BRENT:  Guys.  Guys.  Tell my wife I always hated her lasagna.  And make sure you mail that letter to Captain Crunch.  That bastard needs to know how much he hurt me.

GTJ:  [drenched in tears]  We will Brent.  Good Christ we will.

BZ:  [pushes the button and the trap door retracts back up]  So, let us try this again:  Change.

GTJ:  [wiping the tears from our eyes, sputtering]  G-g-g-great ans-s-swer.  That was r-r-r-really g-g-g-great.

BZ:  Yes it was.  BIPARTISANSHIP!

"Bipartisanship." Kelly RIPPA!

GTJ:  So, if it’s okay with you Mr. Model-in-Chief, we’d like to ask you about that freak gasoline accident you were involved in when you were modeling.

BZ:  Terrible day.

GTJ:  Did you ever think about quitting smoking after that?

BZ:  No way.  Change sucks.

GTJ:  … hmmm…

BZ:  What?

GTJ: … Ummm…

BZ:  OH!  I just got that.  Yeah.  Fuck you guys.

Wake me up before you go-go causing I'm not planning on smoking solo

GTJ:  How about Pork Barrel Spending?  We have this video that kind of makes it seem like you’re flip-flopping on that one?

BZ:  Oh do you now?

GTJ:  [staring at Brent’s empty seat] … … Well, yeah.  But Brent found it, so this is all on him.

BZ:  Show the shit.

GTJ:  So… Brent really wanted to know what you thought about this?

BZ:  Agent Bradley.

GTJ:  Aww, come on dude.  We’re not killing anyone else.  Seriously.  That shit was cool with Armisen kind of, but that kitty was like the cutest thing in the whole world.

BZ:  Either you kill this adorable Koala bear or you get to kick it with Mr. Donkey.

GTJ:  … … … … … … … … What’s his name?

BZ:  It’s Mr….

GTJ:  OH Jesus no.  He has a name!  Aw God.

BZ:  Mr. LoveJoyandHappyHugs.

GTJ:  You… Have… Got… To… Be… Shitting… Us.

BZ:  And you have to kill him while he is sleeping.

For the love of Katy Perry that is just too much cuteness.

GTJ:  [crying profusely] Weapon?

BZ:  Mr. Cutesy-Wootsy’s corpse.

GTJ:  Dude… wow.  Did we really elect you?

BZ:  BIPARTISANSHIP!

"Bipartisanship." Suck on that.

GTJ:  This has not only been very unproductive, but emotionally scarring.

BZ:  Then I’m doing my job right.

GTJ:  Wait, what?  You think that is your job?  To make others feel unproductive and emotionally scar them?

BZ:  That’s what Bush did.

GTJ:  Yes, but you were elected on a platform of “Change.”  That was the only fucking word you said during your entire “Race to the White House.”  CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE.  That’s it.  You never said what the fuck you were changing, you just said Change and everyone bought it.  Change CHANGE CHANGE!  What the fuck dude?  We had faith in you.  We thought you were going to bring back the good old feeling of the USA.  You’ve destroyed bipartisanship, the war is still going as strong as ever, everyone hates our President again even the Democrats who are too retarded to just admit that we might have fucked the pooch by electing a rookie with no clue how to run a nation and you even sent fucking Joe Biden to the Olympic ceremonies.  That’s like sending Dane Cook to the Westminster Kennel Club.  It’s just fucking confusing.  So, what do you have to say to that?  Huh?  Change?  Is that your fancy answer again?  6 fucking letters with no definition of what the fuck you’re really talking about?  You want us to give you a minute to grab some writers?  No, no, no, it’s cool… we’ll wait.  [A proud feeling flushed over us.]

BZ:  [doing a slow clap]  Very nice rant.  Very nice.  [reaching for the trap door device and placing it on his lap]

Slow-clap FTW.

GTJ:  You’re going to push that button, aren’t you.

BZ:  Nope.

GTJ:  Yes you are.  Just say it.  You’re definitely pushing that button.

BZ:  Answer this question correctly and I promise I won’t.

GTJ:  Seriously?

BZ:  Seriously.

GTJ:  Ok.  Let’s hear it.

BZ:  What is the term for “the balance of money received by the buyer from the seller when the amount the buyer gave the seller was greater than the amount due for the purchase?”

GTJ:  Cha…  Nope.  We’re not saying it.

BZ:  Say it.

GTJ:  [beginning to cry again]

BZ:  Come on Sally and Rebecca-Joe.

GTJ:  Those aren’t our names… and the correct answer is: Change.

BZ:  Correct you are.  [pushes the button]

GTJ:  Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  Oh God.  The pillows are like the harbingers of doom.  There he is, Mr. Donkey.  Oh, he’s even more terrifying in person.  Poor Brent.  What did he just say?  I heard punta in there somewhere I think.  Oh God, he’s slinging racial slurs in broken English now.  Barack!  Barack!  Make sure to mail Brent’s Captain Crunch letter and tell his wife about her shitty lasagna!  Seriously, it’s important.

BZ:  [pushes the button and the trap door retracts]

Agent Bradley:  Well played sir.

BZ:  Get me Mr. LoveJoyandHappyHugs.  Fucking Captain Crunch.