So Jersey Shore is a new MTV “reality” show that throws eight I-talian-Americans, a.k.a guidos, in the same house in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, or as the rest of America knows it, Seaside Heights, Shitville. Basically, the show is all about how these unique low-life douchcakes are more than what they seem and how in “reality” they’re more than low-life douchcakes… they’re douchcakes with rich parents who forgot to raise their children with any sense of community or respect. So, after some digging, 84 Bud Lights, 17 keg stands, 34 tabs of ecstasy, a lion, a tiger, a bear, an oh my and a partridge in a pear tree, we found out the real story on these “reality stars.” Without further ado, the real biographies of the cast of Jersey Shore.
- Angelina – 22, Staten Island, New Youwk
My fav-o-rite song is anything by the Black Eyed Peas!
Angelina is the girl that all the other girls in the house are going to want to be friend with. Why? Because they’ll all look prettier by comparison with her by their side. When Angelina has something on her mind, it’s usually something stupid and she always says it. Again, why? It’s because she’s as intelligent as the apple pie the pie fucker in American Pie fucked. Angelina doesn’t care what you have to say because it’s probably “something re-taw-ded” as she puts it and it more than likely is going to make her realize “[she] isn’t good looking and after appearing on [Jersey Shore], the chances of [her] finding any kind of love, even the kind [she] has to pay for are exponentially slim.”
I like it that populars girls like me because I look like that furry thing from Gremlins.
Hey, she may be gross to look at and listening to her talk may make you slam your head through your flat-screen but at least she’s honest when it comes to evaluating herself. And Angelina has one other key role on Jersey Shore, she’s the forgettable character. The producers said behind closed doors and “off-the-record” whatever that means, that they really don’t give two fucks about Angelina because one, looking at her should be an Olympic contest and two, it should also be a challenge on Fear Factor.
- Ronnie- 23, Bronx, New Youwk,
Yeah, I compare my body to other dudes, whatsamatter witdaaaat?
Ronnie is the guy that makes all the other guys say, “Wow, that dude probably stares at other guys in the gym and brags about how much he can bench.” According to Ronnie, “They’re right!” He’s got a faux hawk as big as his biceps and a dick as small as his brain. “It’s all about over compensating,” states Ronnie, “I mean just cause I got a small hornet’s nest doesn’t means that I can’ts impresses some chickadees some other ways-is.” Ronnie spends almost as much money on hair gel as he does on steroids and he has the ass acne to prove it, “It looksis likes Hiroshima back theres. Once, a girl taked a glance at its and her faces melted almost instantly. I tooks it as is a compliments because I bench like more than Optimus Primeses.”
Welcome to the cannon show, which is bigger than the gun show because they have cannons! BOOM!"
The most amazing thing about Ronnie, however, is his ability to stand. All the time in the gym that Ronnie spends, he never, not once, has worked out his legs. “Eh yo, looksis, I need to impress the ladiesis and ya knowsis, I only got so many hours in a day what with all my hair gel and Ma-more protein shake requirements. So yeahsis, no legs. For me everydaysis like trying to balance an Italian God on top of some toofpicks, EEEEHHHHHH!” You go Ronnie… you go.
- Jenni a.k.a. “J-WOWW”– 23, Franklin Square, New Youwk
Yeah, J-WOWW, I added the extra W because I'm like extra wow.
Jenni, a.k.a “J-WOWW” a.k.a another dumb bitch from Jersey Shore, says she got her nickname because, “When I’s walk into a clubs or a bars, all the dudes are all like ‘Oh My GAAAT!’ or likes, ‘J, WOWW.’ I can tell they’re using the extras W because of just how they’re likes Woww, ya know-sis?” No, we don’t know J-WOWW. We asked some guys at a club J-WOWW went into and they said it’s because, “She looks so fake after all the makeup we figured she most closely resembled a character from WoW, ya know, World of Warcraft.” And boy does it ever get better. On her left rib cage, our Night Elf Warrior Princess has a tattoo of Mushu from Mulan.
Heck yeah-sis I paid money for this. Well, my daddy did. He shot himself.
“I just likes that movie so much because Mushu like resembles my souls. He’s all like, I’m-sis so awesome and I can be all like awesome-sis too. So that’s why I got it permanently etched on my skin-sis. Also, I’m J-WOWW, two W’s, get it right. *A HA-HA-HA!” Who would’ve thought the Greek Gods would have sent the sirens of the lake all the way to the Jersey shore to continue their wretched wrath on the innocent ear drums of men everywhere?
- Vinny– 21, Staten Island, New Youwk
I'm a smilin cause I'm all like, the Fonz but newer.
Vinny is a mama’s boy. That’s what he says. Long story short, he’s looking to marry some chick that reminds him of his mom, which brings up the most disgusting fetish ever, Momisicinism. That’s right, he wants to bang his own mother. It’s cool though because as Vinny puts it, “Eh bra, it’s all in the family! Mario!!” To be honest, ever since we met and interviewed Vinny, something seemed off. We just couldn’t put our finger on it, but as Vinny shoved his own finger in his nose during an interview, we had a “light bulb over our head” moment.
"I'm a gats yous fool! That's for play-play, it's just my fingers kid! G-G-G-G-G-Unit!"
Vinny is retarded. No, we don’t mean that “Eh, what yous thinks I’m retawded or somethings?!” kind of retarded, but the real kind. The kind we’re not supposed to make fun of. The kind where the kids actually try and hump the family dog. The kind where the dude pushes the grocery cart into the middle of a busy intersection while riding it. The kind where they become a famous rapper and make out with their manager [we’re talking to you Lil’ Wayne even though there’s no way in hell you’re reading this… not because you wouldn’t read it, but because it’s patently obvious that you can’t read]. The long and short of it is that Vinny’s mom realized he was retarded and that he wanted to bang her so she brought him to the only place on Earth where she knew he would fit in without anyone asking any questions, The Jersey Shore auditions. Welcome to the show Vinnawww.
- Sammi a.k.a “Sweetheart”- 22, Hazlet, New Joisey
Makeup covers my normal 'I'm a monster' look.
Sammi is a serial dater. What does that mean? She’s a whore. According to sources, her vagina is tied down 24-7 by three Keebler elves and a “shit ton” of Japanese silk rope. It’s not that Sammi isn’t a sweetheart, because she is, it’s just that she suffers from ten-to-one-itis, a disease which repels men by the dozens. What is “ten-to-one-itis” you ask”? Well, when Sammi wakes up after a hard night of partying, it’s usually with a typical STD ridden sleaze fest from the bar the night before and after 5-minutes of cabinet shaking sex, her makeup is usually enveloped by her partner’s orangeish skin.
Fuck you bitch I'm a sweetheartsis!
This is where the disease sets in. If she doesn’t wake up before her partner and he gets to see her in the light, one of two situations will occur: he will shoot himself or he will tear his own eyeballs out of their sockets. So far, it’s happened to 39 guys, after 31, Sammi started to wonder if it was her. She realized if she wanted to keep getting guys, she had to let them bang her saggy snatch and then dump them before she accidentally slept in. We’re all looking forward to see how many eyeball trophies she can collect this season on Jersey Whor.. Shore.
- Mike a.k.a “The Situation” – 27, Staten Island, New Youwk
Super gay, but I'm still fucking super!
Mike, a.k.a. “The Situation” has a problem. He loves banging chicks. Problem is, he’s 27 fucking years old and he is still partying up on the Joisey shore and still trying to land roles on MTV reality shows. Well, “don’t let that stand in your way you faux hawked motherfucker!” exclaims Mike. Mike lives with his “moms” and loves it because “she makes the best fuckin pasta this side of the Italian!” When asked if he worried that women would start to wonder why he wasn’t working a job, Mike stated clearly, “It’s because I don’t have one, unless you call whackin off a job. Buuuudddd–ay!”
HA-ha, En Vogue BITCHES!! Bling-Bling in the chain game, sons!
We don’t call whacking off a job. On a side note, Mike is racist. We don’t know if that’s true, but we bet it is. He just… looks… like a racist, ya know?
- Nicole a.k.a. “Snooki” a.k.a. Gollum- 21, Marlboro, New Youwk
I need more cottonballs and a dead guinea pig to complete the look.
So, when casting the final girl slot, the producers wanted someone who brought a little bit of fame to the show. That’s when the idea struck, Gollum, from Lord of the Rings had just taken a vacation to Jersey and wasn’t working on a project until his next job standing in for Rob Schneider. As luck would have it, Gollum was looking for some screen time to show people he wasn’t just a fake animated creation for that Peter Jackson trilogy and the producers were stoked! For the role, Gollum got breast implants, gross ones, stuffed cotton balls in his cheeks whenever on camera, and shoved a medium-sized guinea pig in a headdress for the full effect of a “Jersey Girl.”
Note Gollum on the bar searching for his Precious. What a crafty fellow.
Unfortunately for Gollum, he can’t hold his liquor. The awkwardly short creature from the beyond ended up talking some kind of shit to a dude at a bar, presumably saying, “No you can’t see my dick in this skirt!” The dude responded by knocking Gollum, as some are saying, “the fuck out.” Go to youtube to check it out because to be fair, no matter how much we think this girl deserves to be thrown in a trash compactor and then funneled through a wood chipper, it’s never cool for a guy to hit a chick, or, in this case, a Gollum.
- DJ Pauly D, a.k.a. “The Spinnin’ Stereotype”– 28, Johnston, Rhodes Islans
I own a Cadillac, thus the Cadillac tattoo, now I'm a spin that shit
Look, we should be up for a fucking Peabody just for having to cycle through pictures of these oxygen thieves, but this mother fucker takes the god damn cake. Enough. This was all fun and games up until this garbage pail kid comes walking through the “HOLY SHIT! THAT DUDE IS A WALKING STEREOTYPE” door. We mean, come the fuck on. First off, you’re a DJ, which is a crazy gay profession for anyone. Second off, you have a huge tribal tattoo on your upper back. That screams, “Look at me, no one loved me as a child and I NEEEEED attention, oh and yeah, I’m I-talian.” We fucking get it, you’re edgy and you’re radical man. You’re nonsense.
A tribal, a cross, a dragon, an italian flag and a tramp stamp with my name on it so when my boyfriend is porkin my lower intestine he'll remember my name!
And here’s the worst part. Look at his lower fucking back. He has a tramp stamp with his name on it. What does that say? It says, “Hey, if you’re fucking my butt hole because I couldn’t score any chicks that night either because I’m 28 and a DJ or because I’m 28 and on a reality MTV show, or because I’m 28 and still going to the Jersey Shore, don’t worry about remembering my name because I like taking it square up the poop and that means you’ll have a clean look at my name right above where my entrance hole is.” The simple fact that this person exists, breathes, spews semen out of his mouth, is setting Italian Americans back thousands of years as you read this. For the love of God, someone find a place to hide this person. We’d love to make fun of this guy, but he does all the work for us. He’s a comedians nightmare. Someone who fills your head with so many jokes you start bleeding from the ears, eyes and nose.
Note to any girl who has had the “privilege” of letting this dude toss his Vienna Snausage down your tube o’ wonder, he has an STD, probably many, at least one will probably end up being named the DJ Pauly STD. We know… too easy.
Good Talk, Jumpsuit 