5 Trippiest Things You Could Ever Do

Well, as you know, a couple of us here at Goodtalk, Jumpsuit like to peruse the Cracked articles and donate our time to ridiculous banter on their site.  For some reason, one of the available topics was “The 5 Trippiest Things You Could Ever Do.”  So, because trippiest is not even a word, and because we like not words, we are making the article.  Our next article might just be “The 8 Most Undumb Articles Ever Compromised Now.”  Who knows?  In classic “Trippiest” form, we numbered everything out of order… for effect.  Don’t judge us.

2.  Actually Tripping Off The Top of Mount Rushmore

It's trippy to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on Mt. Rushmore

So you sat on your couch your whole life, working over noobs on Halo or gankin tards on WoW and you thought, “Man, I should go live life.”  You compiled a list and number one on that list was, “see Mt. Rushmore.”  So you travel and once you get there, you decided to climb the 4-faced behemoth and scream, as loud as you can, “I’m the king of the world!”  probably because DiCaprio has gotten much cooler since Titanic so it’s okay to quote his former work now.  But, you forgot that life is ironic, like two-thousand spoons when all you need is a knife and midway through shouting, “king” you trip, you fall and all that you say is, “I’m the kin.. oh my god, I came here to live life and see things and now all I’m seeing is my death, man this is trrrriiiiiippppppppyyyyyy *splat.*”  How correct you are, dead shadow dude.  Very trippy in both the literal and non-literal “man, that sucks” kind of ways.  We admit it, we have no clue what literal means.  Oh well, when in Rome…

5.  This

"Aww, he's coming closer. Hey, Bill, does it look like his paw is balled up like a fist?"

Do we need to tell you why this is trippy?  Fine.  This is trippy because this fierce mammoth of a face pounding kangaroo was once the head of security for Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur… and they both still got shot.  How does that happen?  Police had him as a suspect in both murders, but cleared him after he punched everyone in the police force in the face.  The jackass in the picture was a paparazzi, he is survived by his two cats.  A Kangaroo security guard possibly killing the most famous East and West Coast rappers and getting away with it by punching officers of the law… triptastic.

1.  Walk In On You Parents…

wearing and doing this.

Just imagine how tripped out you’d be brosef!  We’ll paint the picture for you, “I’m just whistling on my way home.  *a tee tee tee hee hee tee wee see wee tee dee dee dee* Hey mom and dad, I’m home early, apparently one of the teacher’s went to Mt. Rushmore and fell off Washington’s face [OMG DOUBLE TRIPPY!], so we got out early.  Hello, mom, dad?  Hello?  *a tee dee fee jee wee dee pee* Mom?  Dad?  Are you in there? [you knock on the door, sidenote, our parentheses keys are broken]  Why is techno hardcore death rap playing from your room?  I wonder… hmmm.  I should take a look-see. [you open the door] *a wee tee d* HOLY SHIT!  A giant pink/black Mickey Mouse is holstering Mom who happens to be wearing the same outfit as s dominatrix!  [Then Al Gore knocks a hole in the wall and says:] “Timmy, that’s not a giant pink/black Mikey Mouse, it’s a giant pink/black Mouse-Bear-Pig.  [OMFG! TRIPLE TRIPPY].  That’s right, we just described a scenario that can only be called Triple Trippy.  Fact:  This is the scenario that was the basis for the Award Winning Movie, “Mousehunt,” starring Nathan Lane.

4.  Find the End of a Rainbow

I found the end of the rainbow and ran over the leprechaun... FML.

Finding the end of a rainbow wouldn’t be that trippy, but fortunately for you poor souls, we decided to find out if it could be and our research took us on a journey we will not soon forget.  Apparently, the common thought is that the end of the rainbow has a friendly little leprechaun waiting to fork over his pot of gold.  This is false.  The end of the rainbow has something much more terrible defending the pot of gold, which makes since due to the fact that it is a pot of gold.  The following picture depicts what the actual end of the rainbow holds for treasure seekers:

Ends of rainbows suck.

That’s right, Balorbliak, or, translated into English, the guardian of all that glimmers in a rainbow.  When we stumbled upon the end of the rainbow, we were thrilled… until we saw Balorbliak.  Just imagine how “tripped out” we were when we saw that thing.  What was even more trippy was the fact that Balorbliak had a thorn stuck in his paw.  We’ve read Aespos Fables and we went in for the pull.  While Balorbliak was freaking out, thrashing about, the three of us pulled out the thorn.  Bad move.  Turns out the thorn was really just part of Balorbliak’s charm bracelet.  Man was he pissed.  Just imagine how trippy that shit is again.  Not only does the end of a rainbow not have leprechauns, it has furry, white, fanged, beady-eyed, crimes against nature guarding the pot o’ gold and they wear charm bracelets.  Obviously, our quest for the pot of gold is over due to an inordinate amount of “trippiness.”

3.  Buy a Furbie, Drop some Acid, Wait Till After Midnight, Feed Furby After Midnight

It's like IKEA came up with this idea.

Well, this one was easy.  Furbys look like Mogwais, which are from the movie Gremlins.  In that movie, if you fed the things after midnight, all hell broke loose: they turned into tiny little corporate CEO’s, through on monocles, made popcorn and didn’t share a damn thing other than their teeth, which they used for biting, which, you could argue, isn’t sharing, but rather hurting.  Also, according to the DEA’s website, if you use acid, or LSD, or Hendrix-music, you’re gonna see some fucked up shit, like your books melting, or trees dancing around trampolines.  Chances are, if you follow the aforementioned steps, you’re gonna see something really trippy.  You may think that right now we’re thinking something like this:

Oh Jim Carrey. You're a hoot.

but we’re actually thinking something like this:

Tripperiffic! ... ... well, not really. I really need to stop taking acid.

An Argument to Stop Reading Books

Preach my brother!

Books suck.  Maybe you’re wondering why?  Why do these jackholes think that books suck?  Well, let us tell you.  If you’ve read anything from a People Magazine to the Bible lately, you’ve heard that the second installment of Twilight comes out in a couple of days.  Why, of why does this concern the GTJ guys who have constantly berated Twilight as nothing more than “a shameful piece of trash slowly devolved by a chipmunk intenstine into nothing more than small rodent feces which we accidentally step in, only to send us into a seemingly drunked rage which ends with hostages, a demand for more Twinkies, 16 hours of non-stop WHAM! on a radio station a la Airheads the movie and a police officer dressed up as Bilbo Baggins.”  Why would any group of individuals who wrote that about Twilight ever write anything ever again?  It’s because they made a fucking second one.

Whoever made this deserves the goddamn Nobel.

So some idiots like to read books.  But unlike our arguments for any and everything else we’ve ever written, we have a good argument for a good old fashioned global book burning like they did when they found out Curious George was getting humped by the Man in the Yellow Hat in that one book.  So, what’s our argument?  Riddle this one out:  if anyone writes a good book, some motherfucker in Hollywood, probably Michael Bay, is going to try to make it into a movie.  Now you’ve alread read the book, right?  Yes, you have.  And it took you what?  Like 9 hours to slam through the pages of The Cat in the Hat?  Yeah, it took a while to read any book that’s ever going to be made into a movie.  And now that you’ve spent a goodly portion of your mind-numbingly worse than 20/20 vision life reading that book, when you hear that they’re making a movie about it, there’s like a 145% chance you’re going to go and see the movie. 

People who can read drink the SHIT out of this stuff.

Now stick with us here, because this is where it gets really easy to understand and all of you start daydreaming about blowing any number of Twilight dudes.  Every MOTHERFUCKING person who has ever read a book that gets made into a movie has gone to see that movie with US.  And every time, we leave saying, “Man, that shit was dope son!  Do you know what I am saying?” [If you didn’t see that South Park episode, shame on you].  And every motherfucking time, you assholes say, “Oh… MY GOD!  That was soooo much not betterer than the book and like, I could have like, told you a thousand times that I knew it was going to be awful, but like boo.  All I can say is boo.” 

Everyone who says shit like this looks like this.

So let’s get this straight.  You spent like 16 hours reading the book.  You spent like 3 hours watching the movie if you take in previews and getting to the theatre and stuffing your face with lard-drenched popcorn.  And you’ll spend like 145 hours complaining about how much better the book was than the movie.  That’s like 800 hours in total.  Us, on the other hand, never read the fucking book and we liked the movie.  How long did it take us to watch the movie, 4 hours and it only took that long because we laid down some game on your sisters after it was all said and done.  Do the math.  You spent an exponential more amount of time being upset with the concept than we did because we weren’t upset at all.  We just thought that the explosions and shit were cool in that movie, whatever it may be.  We don’t give a fuck what the director left out because we don’t have a fucking clue what the director left out.

I know there's a hand up my ass. Why do you think I fuck Miss Piggy? That's all this guy, Doc.

In summation, to protect ourselves from ear rape worldwide delivered by people who “can read” and “have read a book in their life” and who “understand poetry,” we are begging you, all of you, to stop reading and trying to teach your kids how to read.  Please God, just take them to the movies.  By teaching them to read, you’re just teaching them how to have expectations way too tall for film makers and for audiences who can’t read.  Think of the film makers you assholes!  Think of the film makers!  And not thinking of film makers and illilirit [that was intentional fucktards] people, well, that’s a hate crime.  So, stop making your kids commit hate crimes by teaching them to read and then allowing them to tell us less-fortunate folk how much the movie we just watched was a “pile of shit strewn from the bowels of the most putrid beast Satan himself has ever bred.” Leave us to our blissful ignorance because all of you people reading this right now, you’re just modern day Nazis.  Okay, that was way too far.

So shut the fuck up and laugh at the monkeys.