We love Obama, the dude is pretty cool and in general we agree with his policies. Unless we’re talking about his policies on Special Olympics bowling, making up names for languages that don’t exist or telling other countries that they’re only friend is themselves. If we’re talking about that stuff then we disagree which, of course, means we’ll get tons of hate mail, we’ll be put on a “Probable Terrorist” list and someone will call us racist. So, here are 7 Quotes From President Obama That Have Made Us Start Drinking Again.
7. THE QUOTE: “Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jorel to save the planet Earth.”
"CASH FOR CLUNKERS!!!!!!!!"
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Okay, a lot to deal with here. First off, we voted for him because we thought he was the big JC and last time we checked, JC was born in a manger. So, a little disappointed, but whatever. Second, does anyone have dibs on the Bible rewrite for changing “manger” and “Joseph” to “Krypton” and “Jorel?” Third, where in Kenya is Krypton?
It's on there somewhere.
6. THE QUOTE: “In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten-thousand people died – an entire town destroyed.”
Apparently Spot is not the President's speech writer.
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Only 12 people died. Obama was only a Senator when he made this comment, so we want to give him a pass, but how do you miss a casualty number you’re talking about by 9,988? We understand that his speech writers, Ren & Stimpy, have more pressing booger matters to be concerned with, but it seems like the guy running for President might want to hire writers who aren’t either a psychotic Chihuahua or a cat-version of Ralphie from The Simpsons.
"What speech does your brain think we should write next, Stimpy?"
5. THE QUOTE: “Just this past week, we passed out of the, out of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee – which is my committee – a bill to call for divestment from Iran as way of ratcheting up the pressure to ensure that they don’t obtain a nuclear weapon.”
"That cat is onto something"
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Our vote-getter Obama was not on the U.S. Senate Banking Committee. Again, Obama was still just a Senator at the time so, again, on one note, we’d like to call this a slip up. But we can’t because we’re not fucking idiots. In an unprecedented move, Obama made a wonderfully true statement and then said, “which is my committee” which was completely false. We’re pretty sure this is what went through is mind:
Obama’s Mind: “U.S. Senate Banking Committee? That sounds pretty fucking sweet. I bet I could just take that. Yep. I’m taking that shit. Okay mouth, now say ‘which is my committee.’ It’s bullet-proof.”
His ideas wear this.
4. THE QUOTE: “Let me be absolutely clear. Israel is a strong friend of Israel’s. It will be a strong friend of Israel’s under a McCain… administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel’s under an Obama administration. So that policy is not going to change.”
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: We learned a lot about Obama’s foreign policies with this statement. First, Israel has no friends, unless you count Israel, which Obama does. We don’t so, ipso facto, Israel has no friends. Second, Israel is a strong friend, but it’s only a friend of Israel. Basically if Israel gets in a war our stance is that we’ve got televisions and we’ll watch if Pay-Per-View isn’t charging out the ass because we think you can handle your own shit. Also, it doesn’t matter who is elected, no one is helping Israel.
Pictured: Israel
3. THE QUOTE: “It was also interesting to see that political interaction in Europe is not that different from the United States Senate. There’s a lot of – I don’t know what the term is in Austrian, wheeling and dealing.”
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Austrian isn’t a fucking language. We thought it was, too. Fortunately for us, we’re not the President of the United States of America. We’re coming off “W” who struggled with coloring inside the lines. He basically set the bar for future presidents at the “just don’t say dumb shit” line. With this line, Obama toed the shit out of that line. Let’s be fair though, Obama was in France when he made this comment and if anyone was surrounded by cheese farts and those ridiculous berets, we’re pretty sure they’d of said worse stuff than this.
"Dude, let's get the fuck outta this place. Are those baggettes? Run."
2. THE QUOTE: “No, no. I have been practicing… I bowled a 129. It’s like – it was like Special Olympics or something.”
Artist's rendering
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Holy… fucking… shit. 1. Why are you on the Tonight Show? 2. You’re not Dave Chappelle. 3. Holy… fucking… shit. This is something the Most Powerful Man in the Free World said. He thinks his bowling score sucks so he compares it to the Special Olympics… on National Television. What’s next, he explains why he tripped on some steps by saying, “I know! I’m like a paraplegic!” Not to mention the fact that Special Olympic bowling scores are probably more along the lines of like a 9 or an 11.
- THE QUOTE: “I’ve now been in 57 states – I think one left to go.”
"54, 55, 56 and Krypton. Yep, all 57 are here."
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: When every man, woman and child in America [we count George W. as a child for your information] heard this statement, an amazing thing happened. For the first time in our young country’s history, each of us all had the exact same thought. The word-for-word exact, same though. “Dammit. He is from Kenya.”
Good Talk, Jumpsuit 
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