We recently had a chance to sit down with Model-in-Chief, Barack Zoolander. The topics we discussed were as follows: the new health-care bill, how sweet being a model is, his motto “Change,” and what it really meant, and of course, that fateful day with the freak gasoline fight accident.
"What is this? A Nation for ants? It needs to be at least... 3 times this big."
GTJ: So, Mr. Model-in-Chief, thank you so much for inviting us to the White House.
BZ: You are very welcome guys.
GTJ: We don’t recall ever seeing the Oval Office with mirrors lining the walls. Is that new?
BZ: Yes. I’ve been working on a few of my new looks, want a preview?
GTJ: We would all literally club the cutest, tiniest, most adorable kitten in the world for one.
BZ: Good, because those are my terms. Agent Bradley, please go grab Mr. Cutesy-Wootsy.
Agent Bradley: Yes sir Mr. Model-in-Chief.
Poor Mr. Cutesy-Wootsy.
[5 minutes later]
GTJ: [crying] Oh God. That was so much more awful than we expected. How did he have so much blood in him?
BZ: It always is. Anywho, a deals a deal. Here is a new look, it’s called “Bipartisanship.”
"Bipartisanship" in all of it's glory.
GTJ: Thundercracken! That was amazing.
BZ: I know, right? You got the whole finger thing right? Cause th…
GTJ: We got it. So some folks are pretty upset with you.
BZ: Well, that’s what the whole bipartisanship look is all about ya know? It’s like, Hey, I hear ya. We can’t always get what we want. But sometimes you just might find you get what you need.
GTJ: Rolling Stones?
BZ: Only thing in my iPod right now.
GTJ: [after moving around in our chairs a bit, we noticed some creaking coming from the floor] Huh? Looks like the old Oval Office might need some re-flooring, huh Mr. Model-in-Chief?
BZ: Nope. Trap door.
GTJ: …
BZ: …
GTJ: …
BZ: But yeah, who knows? Health care this, health care that? To be honest, I’m really only trying to do stuff at this point. Saturday Night Live really kicked me in the testes with that whole “I haven’t done anything” bit. I mean right in the groin ya know. Like a mallet right to my go-nads.
GTJ: Yeah, but you can admit it was pretty funny.
BZ: [Pulls a box with a red button off his desk] Yeah. You know what else is funny? This is the button that opens the trap door.
Red buttons, unlike Chinese Massage Parlors, have no happy endings.
GTJ: …
BZ: …
GTJ: Yeah, like we were saying it was pretty funny how terrible Saturday Night Live has gotten.
BZ: …
GTJ: Especially since Fred Armisen or whatever his name is got on there and started doing that terrible impression of you. We would all definitely beat him with brass knuckles.
BZ: Agent Bradley.
Agent Bradley: On it sir.
More fun than Mr. Cutesy-Wootsy's demise.
[5 Minutes later]
GTJ: Good God. He squirmed so much. What was he saying there at the end?
BZ: No clue. I don’t speak Spanish.
GTJ: So health care. Do you think there is any middle ground you could reach with the Republicans? It really seems as though the whole, “There are no red states, there are no blue states, there is just the United States of America” speech kind of went out the window. We were big fans of that approach.
BZ:
"Bipartisanship" in all of it's glory. Again.
GTJ: Yeah, Bipartisanship, it’s super. But could you respond to our previous question?
BZ: Change.
GTJ: Huh?
BZ: You wanted an answer, I gave it to you.
GTJ: But that doesn’t make any sense? Change what? Change healthcare, cool. But change it for the better and when we can afford it, not when it is going to have a negative impact on both the economy and citizens, right?
BZ: [Pushes the button]
GTJ: [Minus Brent] BRENT!! Holy shit! You just killed Brent! Why would y…
Brent: [From the bottom of the pit] Actually guys, I think I’m okay. There was a bed of pillows. It was actually pretty nice. Like a roller co… Aw, hey. Look guys. A friendly donkey.
BZ: Wait for it…
GTJ: Huh?
Brent: Hey Mr. Donkey. How are you.. OH GOD!! He has a serrated knife. Ya know, like the one in Rambo! Oh no. He’s saying something in Spanish. NO HABLA MR. DONKEY! I’M SORRY-O! OH GOD! HE STABBED ME RIGHT IN THE NECK! NOW HE’S LAUGHING AT ME!
BZ: God I love that donkey. You know that’s our symbol, right? I was going for some symbolism there.
Mr. Donkey's Evil-iffic Face
BRENT: Guys. Guys. Tell my wife I always hated her lasagna. And make sure you mail that letter to Captain Crunch. That bastard needs to know how much he hurt me.
GTJ: [drenched in tears] We will Brent. Good Christ we will.
BZ: [pushes the button and the trap door retracts back up] So, let us try this again: Change.
GTJ: [wiping the tears from our eyes, sputtering] G-g-g-great ans-s-swer. That was r-r-r-really g-g-g-great.
BZ: Yes it was. BIPARTISANSHIP!
"Bipartisanship." Kelly RIPPA!
GTJ: So, if it’s okay with you Mr. Model-in-Chief, we’d like to ask you about that freak gasoline accident you were involved in when you were modeling.
BZ: Terrible day.
GTJ: Did you ever think about quitting smoking after that?
BZ: No way. Change sucks.
GTJ: … hmmm…
BZ: What?
GTJ: … Ummm…
BZ: OH! I just got that. Yeah. Fuck you guys.
Wake me up before you go-go causing I'm not planning on smoking solo
GTJ: How about Pork Barrel Spending? We have this video that kind of makes it seem like you’re flip-flopping on that one?
BZ: Oh do you now?
GTJ: [staring at Brent's empty seat] … … Well, yeah. But Brent found it, so this is all on him.
BZ: Show the shit.
GTJ: So… Brent really wanted to know what you thought about this?
BZ: Agent Bradley.
GTJ: Aww, come on dude. We’re not killing anyone else. Seriously. That shit was cool with Armisen kind of, but that kitty was like the cutest thing in the whole world.
BZ: Either you kill this adorable Koala bear or you get to kick it with Mr. Donkey.
GTJ: … … … … … … … … What’s his name?
BZ: It’s Mr….
GTJ: OH Jesus no. He has a name! Aw God.
BZ: Mr. LoveJoyandHappyHugs.
GTJ: You… Have… Got… To… Be… Shitting… Us.
BZ: And you have to kill him while he is sleeping.
For the love of Katy Perry that is just too much cuteness.
GTJ: [crying profusely] Weapon?
BZ: Mr. Cutesy-Wootsy’s corpse.
GTJ: Dude… wow. Did we really elect you?
BZ: BIPARTISANSHIP!
"Bipartisanship." Suck on that.
GTJ: This has not only been very unproductive, but emotionally scarring.
BZ: Then I’m doing my job right.
GTJ: Wait, what? You think that is your job? To make others feel unproductive and emotionally scar them?
BZ: That’s what Bush did.
GTJ: Yes, but you were elected on a platform of “Change.” That was the only fucking word you said during your entire “Race to the White House.” CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE. That’s it. You never said what the fuck you were changing, you just said Change and everyone bought it. Change CHANGE CHANGE! What the fuck dude? We had faith in you. We thought you were going to bring back the good old feeling of the USA. You’ve destroyed bipartisanship, the war is still going as strong as ever, everyone hates our President again even the Democrats who are too retarded to just admit that we might have fucked the pooch by electing a rookie with no clue how to run a nation and you even sent fucking Joe Biden to the Olympic ceremonies. That’s like sending Dane Cook to the Westminster Kennel Club. It’s just fucking confusing. So, what do you have to say to that? Huh? Change? Is that your fancy answer again? 6 fucking letters with no definition of what the fuck you’re really talking about? You want us to give you a minute to grab some writers? No, no, no, it’s cool… we’ll wait. [A proud feeling flushed over us.]
BZ: [doing a slow clap] Very nice rant. Very nice. [reaching for the trap door device and placing it on his lap]
Slow-clap FTW.
GTJ: You’re going to push that button, aren’t you.
BZ: Nope.
GTJ: Yes you are. Just say it. You’re definitely pushing that button.
BZ: Answer this question correctly and I promise I won’t.
GTJ: Seriously?
BZ: Seriously.
GTJ: Ok. Let’s hear it.
BZ: What is the term for “the balance of money received by the buyer from the seller when the amount the buyer gave the seller was greater than the amount due for the purchase?”
GTJ: Cha… Nope. We’re not saying it.
BZ: Say it.
GTJ: [beginning to cry again]
BZ: Come on Sally and Rebecca-Joe.
GTJ: Those aren’t our names… and the correct answer is: Change.
BZ: Correct you are. [pushes the button]
GTJ: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Oh God. The pillows are like the harbingers of doom. There he is, Mr. Donkey. Oh, he’s even more terrifying in person. Poor Brent. What did he just say? I heard punta in there somewhere I think. Oh God, he’s slinging racial slurs in broken English now. Barack! Barack! Make sure to mail Brent’s Captain Crunch letter and tell his wife about her shitty lasagna! Seriously, it’s important.
BZ: [pushes the button and the trap door retracts]
Agent Bradley: Well played sir.
BZ: Get me Mr. LoveJoyandHappyHugs. Fucking Captain Crunch.
0 Responses to “Barack Zoolander… He’s a Model, Idiot.”