5 Awesome New Kids Toys coming out in 2010

The 8-Year Old Version of the Holy Grail

When we were all growing up, we had some sweet ass toys: Batman, G.I. Joe, Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures for boys, My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite and Barbie for girls.  That was about it.  You could throw in some He-Man, Volton and Thundercats for good measure, but only the fortunate few had parents willing to muster up the extra dough for those magic wishes.  Kids nowadays still like those toys, but only because they’ve been revamped and rebooted.  Just how far has the toy industry come since the 80′s?  Well, here are some example of toy lines coming to a store near you in 2010-2011.

5.  Sexual Assault Batman

Also, condoms not included. Sweet.

Product Description on Back of Box:

While the old Batman was all well and good with the whole, “BAM! POW! Right in the kisser!” stuff, rebooted Batman has a new agenda.  The justice system had failed the Bat.  He had arrested the Joker in excess of 1,000 times and he always got out.  Arkham is as effective at holding prisoners as a Maxi Pad is at holding rabid Doberman Pinschers.  Everyone was laughing at Batman when he arrested them.  This infuriated Batman.  He needed to adapt to the changing surroundings.  Now, instead of turning criminals over to the authorities, he’s taking care of business.  His eyes are red from week long ecstasy benders and his suit is now adept at dealing with his massive hard-ons.  The B-Man knows that if he wants prisoners to stop breaking out of Arkham every other day, his veiny stick of justice needs to penetrate the souls of his target, so lube is included.  Watch as red-eyed, drooling, lube-in-tow Batman takes it to his enemies, hard… as in hard penis.  Rape kit not included.

4.  Security Guard Teddy Ruxpin

Midget included.

Product Description on Back of Box:

How many times have you thought to yourself, “Wow.  My kid is borderline retarded… at best. And sidenote: I wish he had a security guard.”  Well, now your worries can all be quelled with this one product, Security Guard Teddy Ruxpin!  Teddy still does the same things he always did, like teach your kid to read and move his mouth in that perfect motion your wife has always been looking for, but now, Security Guard Teddy Ruxpin also comes with a real-life, midget!  That’s right!  The package you are reading from right now has a GTJ certified midget in it!  He will protect your kid from bullies at all costs including, but not limited to: being throw across the room by frat boys instead of your child!; juggling live baby dolphins while your child escapes; performing the midget version of Scarface as a distraction method; or even just running really fast with his tiny legs!  P.S.  You should definitely buy this package like now because the midget either is or has suffocated.

3.  Over Privileged College Girl Barbie

Undeserving sense of self-satisfaction included. Love not included.

Product Description on Back of Box:

Barbie has provided your daughter with dreams of one day being beautiful.  And that’s why it is great to buy one, because it lets your kids know, eventually, that they’re really, really, really, really ugly, just like her parents.  So, if you’re the type of parents that just want your kid to shut up and to aid in that quest you buy them things, this toy is for you.  Over-Privileged College Girl Barbie is for the girl that cried and got everything she wanted from you, terrible parents!  Yeah!  Show yourselves and your daughter what’s to come.  Over-Privileged College Girl Barbie comes complete with awful band tattoos, a tall bottle of Vodka, an actual lit cigarette and the regrettable memories of her past in the form of… yep, you guessed it, mouth herpes!  Start saving for those treatments now pop!

2.  Laser Guided Slingshot

The last sight looks just like the Predators. Because otherwise this wouldn't be a fair fight.

Product Description on Back of Box:

Let me guess, your child is out of sorts.  He just can’t be satisfied with any normal toy.  Be a good parent, buy our solution!  What is the solution, a laser guided slingshot!  That’s right.  If you want to make sure, we mean, absolutely positive, that your kid can kill anything alive, buy this slingshot.  It has a laser guided sight which allows for the utmost accuracy.  Don’t worry though, we tell the kids not to shoot at anything alive despite the fact that IT’S AWESOME!  That’s right.  A cut-out target will do you no good in distracting your kid’s aim from squirrels and rabbits, but who gives a fuck?  Just think: A bar-ninja is stalking out your property, looking for the perfect entry point, you see him, he sees you.  You turn to run for your gun, but the bear-ninja is already doing cool asian shit and he is 2 feet away from you when fucking *BAM!*  You turn, the bear-ninja’s head is literally flying across the street.  ”Oh my god” you think.  ”What just happened?”  Then you turn and look at your 5-year old, holding our laser guided slingshot, smoke drifting from the coil… That’s right.  We just saved you from a fucking bear-ninja attack.  We believe a thank you is in order.

1.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Special Edition Gun Series

"Cowabun... oh my god... someone call an ambulance."

Product Description on Back of Box:

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back!  This time, they’re badder than ever, in sticker form… on guns!  Real guns!  Seriously, these are just TMNT stickers placed on guns.  This is a terrible gift for children.  But fuck it, right?  You know what I’m saying.  All the other kids have them, right?  Oh, they don’t?  Well they will, so buy this shit.  No, don’t put it down… that’s right.  Lift me back up.  Keep reading me.  Good boy.  With Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Special Gun Edition Series, you have options.  You can get Glocked Out with my Cock Out Raphael!  Machine Gun Murderin’ Mike!  Landmine Leonardo [which is a landmine, we know, not a gun, but it just fit the alliteration scheme] or even Deadly Darts Donatello [fuck you, it's kind of like a gun].  Or, buy the whole set and make your kid a force to be reckoned with!  Karate lessons?  Fuck karate.  Try Gun Lessons!  Cowabunga, dudes!