A Letter to James Cameron

Dear James Cameron,

What’s going on man?  You feeling better?  Man, you were really steamed up back there at that press junket.  What is a junket?  Weird word either way, are we right or are we right?!!  Any-who, so that Glenn Beck dude is a dick, right?  We mean, come on dude, someone who doesn’t agree with you?  You made fucking AVATAR!!!!  Dude, we all painted our dicks blue and let our groin-ular hair grow long enough so we could make braids.  That’s how much we agree with you.  Avatar was so good that we don’t think you could ever be wrong about anything for the rest of ever.  If you say Unicorns exist, we’re going horn hunting.  What’d you say Mr. King Cameron?  Taking showers infects you with mind-controlling poison?  Fuck showers.  The only way we’re ever going to make it to heaven is to abide by your every word.  Looks like three guys just locked down our place on some cirrus motherfuckers!

Someone just told him what the big JC said about him.

But for real.  Glenn Beck talked shit about your 2007 documentary, “The Lost Tomb of Jesus.”  Can you believe that?  A Christian dude thought it was fucked up that you attempted to disparage one of the bases for his entire religion.  What a F-A-FAG!  And you’re right Camopants.  Glenn Beck is dangerous.  That dude has a microphone everywhere he goes.  Just like you, but without having ever made Avatar, so not like you in that aspect.  Also, like you, people know who he is.  But not as much as you because you’re James Cameron.  Sidenote: Would your wife let you cheat on her just because she knows that you made Avatar?  Oh, what about Titanic?  Have you made anything else?  Oh yeah, True LIES!!! GOD.  What don’t you do?

James Cameron: Looking at you is like staring at the Northern Lights forever.

But on the real, way to go in calling Glenn Beck a “fucking asshole.”  Classy sir.  Classy.  On the real, it matters that you do stuff like that.  First and foremost because we want to touch your taint.  Second and non-foremost, because people need to think like you for this whole “being alive” thing to work.  We’re actually thinking of writing a book called, “Think Like James Cameron, or You’re a Fucking Asshole!   Sidenote: James Cameron is the Guy that Made Avatar.”  Tentative title, but you get the point Camzilla.  We see you re-reading that sentence [insert a smiley face here], you know you want to Camiclease.

Keep it classy, like me, except for that fucker Glenn Beck and his stupid face. Classy.

Also, what is up with people not buying into global warming?!  Who would have thunk it?  We swear that we will make large, nay, ginormicrous-sized magnifying glasses and use the sun’s rays to light those people on fire as if they were ants, as if they were avatants!  Sequel????  How could someone argue that?  Sure, the proof from both sides is debated by experts on the other but everyone knows that the James Cameron side always makes $1 Billion!!!!!  Sure that doesn’t have shit to do with global warming, but it is fucking cool as shit, just like you, our Cambear.  If you ever need anything rubbed, touched, or just pet, please, please, please, please, please, let us know.  Glenn Beck is a fucking asshole.  We want to skin Glenn Beck and then wear his skin around just so when you call him a fucking asshole, you’ll be talking about us.  God you make us so wet.  Miss you Cam-the-man.  Keep up the classiness.

Hearts and XOXOs,

the GTJ guys

No, no, no. The smurfs is coming out next year. This is Avatar.

5 Trippiest Things You Could Ever Do

Well, as you know, a couple of us here at Goodtalk, Jumpsuit like to peruse the Cracked articles and donate our time to ridiculous banter on their site.  For some reason, one of the available topics was “The 5 Trippiest Things You Could Ever Do.”  So, because trippiest is not even a word, and because we like not words, we are making the article.  Our next article might just be “The 8 Most Undumb Articles Ever Compromised Now.”  Who knows?  In classic “Trippiest” form, we numbered everything out of order… for effect.  Don’t judge us.

2.  Actually Tripping Off The Top of Mount Rushmore

It's trippy to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on Mt. Rushmore

So you sat on your couch your whole life, working over noobs on Halo or gankin tards on WoW and you thought, “Man, I should go live life.”  You compiled a list and number one on that list was, “see Mt. Rushmore.”  So you travel and once you get there, you decided to climb the 4-faced behemoth and scream, as loud as you can, “I’m the king of the world!”  probably because DiCaprio has gotten much cooler since Titanic so it’s okay to quote his former work now.  But, you forgot that life is ironic, like two-thousand spoons when all you need is a knife and midway through shouting, “king” you trip, you fall and all that you say is, “I’m the kin.. oh my god, I came here to live life and see things and now all I’m seeing is my death, man this is trrrriiiiiippppppppyyyyyy *splat.*”  How correct you are, dead shadow dude.  Very trippy in both the literal and non-literal “man, that sucks” kind of ways.  We admit it, we have no clue what literal means.  Oh well, when in Rome…

5.  This

"Aww, he's coming closer. Hey, Bill, does it look like his paw is balled up like a fist?"

Do we need to tell you why this is trippy?  Fine.  This is trippy because this fierce mammoth of a face pounding kangaroo was once the head of security for Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur… and they both still got shot.  How does that happen?  Police had him as a suspect in both murders, but cleared him after he punched everyone in the police force in the face.  The jackass in the picture was a paparazzi, he is survived by his two cats.  A Kangaroo security guard possibly killing the most famous East and West Coast rappers and getting away with it by punching officers of the law… triptastic.

1.  Walk In On You Parents…

wearing and doing this.

Just imagine how tripped out you’d be brosef!  We’ll paint the picture for you, “I’m just whistling on my way home.  *a tee tee tee hee hee tee wee see wee tee dee dee dee* Hey mom and dad, I’m home early, apparently one of the teacher’s went to Mt. Rushmore and fell off Washington’s face [OMG DOUBLE TRIPPY!], so we got out early.  Hello, mom, dad?  Hello?  *a tee dee fee jee wee dee pee* Mom?  Dad?  Are you in there? [you knock on the door, sidenote, our parentheses keys are broken]  Why is techno hardcore death rap playing from your room?  I wonder… hmmm.  I should take a look-see. [you open the door] *a wee tee d* HOLY SHIT!  A giant pink/black Mickey Mouse is holstering Mom who happens to be wearing the same outfit as s dominatrix!  [Then Al Gore knocks a hole in the wall and says:] “Timmy, that’s not a giant pink/black Mikey Mouse, it’s a giant pink/black Mouse-Bear-Pig.  [OMFG! TRIPLE TRIPPY].  That’s right, we just described a scenario that can only be called Triple Trippy.  Fact:  This is the scenario that was the basis for the Award Winning Movie, “Mousehunt,” starring Nathan Lane.

4.  Find the End of a Rainbow

I found the end of the rainbow and ran over the leprechaun... FML.

Finding the end of a rainbow wouldn’t be that trippy, but fortunately for you poor souls, we decided to find out if it could be and our research took us on a journey we will not soon forget.  Apparently, the common thought is that the end of the rainbow has a friendly little leprechaun waiting to fork over his pot of gold.  This is false.  The end of the rainbow has something much more terrible defending the pot of gold, which makes since due to the fact that it is a pot of gold.  The following picture depicts what the actual end of the rainbow holds for treasure seekers:

Ends of rainbows suck.

That’s right, Balorbliak, or, translated into English, the guardian of all that glimmers in a rainbow.  When we stumbled upon the end of the rainbow, we were thrilled… until we saw Balorbliak.  Just imagine how “tripped out” we were when we saw that thing.  What was even more trippy was the fact that Balorbliak had a thorn stuck in his paw.  We’ve read Aespos Fables and we went in for the pull.  While Balorbliak was freaking out, thrashing about, the three of us pulled out the thorn.  Bad move.  Turns out the thorn was really just part of Balorbliak’s charm bracelet.  Man was he pissed.  Just imagine how trippy that shit is again.  Not only does the end of a rainbow not have leprechauns, it has furry, white, fanged, beady-eyed, crimes against nature guarding the pot o’ gold and they wear charm bracelets.  Obviously, our quest for the pot of gold is over due to an inordinate amount of “trippiness.”

3.  Buy a Furbie, Drop some Acid, Wait Till After Midnight, Feed Furby After Midnight

It's like IKEA came up with this idea.

Well, this one was easy.  Furbys look like Mogwais, which are from the movie Gremlins.  In that movie, if you fed the things after midnight, all hell broke loose: they turned into tiny little corporate CEO’s, through on monocles, made popcorn and didn’t share a damn thing other than their teeth, which they used for biting, which, you could argue, isn’t sharing, but rather hurting.  Also, according to the DEA’s website, if you use acid, or LSD, or Hendrix-music, you’re gonna see some fucked up shit, like your books melting, or trees dancing around trampolines.  Chances are, if you follow the aforementioned steps, you’re gonna see something really trippy.  You may think that right now we’re thinking something like this:

Oh Jim Carrey. You're a hoot.

but we’re actually thinking something like this:

Tripperiffic! ... ... well, not really. I really need to stop taking acid.