Tiger Woods’ Apology: A Bullshit-to-English Translation

Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm hunting for pwostitutes.

Tiger Woods banged a bunch of women.  He enjoyed banging those women even though most were gross and his wife is pretty banging.  P.S.  Elin, sorry we haven’t called you back, our phones got stolen by screaming fans at a local 7-11 and we haven’t memorized your digits yet, girl.  Anyways, Tiger Woods finally apologized.  Unfortunately, he gave his entire apology in the language of Bullshit.  So, for those of you who didn’t understand just what the fuck he was saying, here’s a translation for you.

Tiger Woods: “Good morning. And thank you for joining me.”

Translation:  ”Hey yo.  What’s up bitches.  Man, ya’ll really sweat my nuts don’t you?  Yeah, ya’ll sweat my nuts.”

Tiger Woods: “Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.”

Translation:  ”Everyone here wishes they were me.  Probably because I’m an enormous badass/pimp machine.  Everyone here really does like physically love me and some of you are pissed at me, but I figure it’s only because I didn’t fuck you.  Bob, I’m looking at you!  HAHA!  Just playing.  But I know you wish I would’ve fucked you.”

Tiger Woods:  ”I want to say to each of you, simply, and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.”

Translation:  ”Seriously… I know that I should’ve known, but I really can’t believe I got caught.  Bitches be crazy man.  Dammit.  Yeah guys, I’m really sorry I got caught.  Shit is whack.”

Banged her, nailed her aaaaaaand not yet, but she's on my list.

Tiger Woods:  ”I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.”

Translation: “Now I know ya’ll are some voyeuristic motherfuckers, but a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.  But come on, a gentleman doesn’t cheat on his wife either, so I got some of the nasty-nasties for ya’ll sick fucks.”

Tiger Woods:  ”Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As she pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words. It will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss. However, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us.”

Translation: “I came to the harsh realization that Elin, my wife, is much, much, much hotter than those skanks I was tossing around.  Also, she knows that I’m just speaking in bullshit.  She called me a “sackless piece of shit.”  I called her a “dried up harpee bitch.”  We have a lot to discuss and we have to wait for the STD tests to come back before we discuss them.  I’m guessing herpes.”

]Tiger Woods: “I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down. I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down, personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.”

Translation: “None of you are anything without me.  It’s really fucking sad how worthless some of you are.  I bet some of you think you cheated on your wife because I cheated on mine.  Problem is, most of you aren’t married and you never will be.  You call me a disappointment but in reality, you just wish you could be my dick for a day, hell, maybe even for a minute.  My dick has two speeds: asleep and jungle-cat.  Don’t hate me cause you ain’t my dick!”

"It's my dick-in-a-box!"

Tiger Woods:  ”To everyone involved in my foundation including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California, to the Earl Woods Scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.”

Translation: “As far as my foundation is concerned, if any of you fuckers gives a shit that I like to tap any ass that has a dust cloud around it like Pig Pen in Peanuts, get your head right.  You wanna know why you have a job?  Cause my cock drinks Red Bull and has motherfucking wings, son.  This dick has made you all rich and if you question it, it will strike you down.  Do your job, praise my dick, irregardless of its actions.

Tiger Woods:  ”But, still, I know I have severely disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry. I have a lot to atone for.”

Translation: “Man, my PR person is a genius, am I right?  I mean, this is just filler at this point.  To be honest, I would’ve read this before I came on stage, but I was cumming back stage.  LAWL!  I know, a sex joke is inappro. at this point and time, but it’s not a joke, I was tagging twins.  Double your freshness, double your fun.  Am I right?”

Tiger Woods:  ”But there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage. Ever.”

Translation: “Now I’m gonna try to make you think I’m sticking up for my wife.  Everyone wishes she had kicked my ass, but I’m Tiger Woods.  Think about that.  A woman?  Beating up Tiger Woods?  My name is fucking Tiger you sluts.  There’s never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage.  Ever.  Isn’t that right, Elin?  [Elin starts to open her mouth to speak]  Shut your mouth or I’ll shut it for you Elin.  See, no domestic violence, just threats of force.  Love you pookie-bear.

"I got Elin this book as a gag-joke. She's staying... because I said so."

Tiger Woods:  ”Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame. The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable. And I am the only person to blame. I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in.”

Translation: “I’m really trying to blame this on Elin by using reverse-psychology.  Do not blame this on Elin.  Do not blame this on Elin.  Do not bla… Hey girl.  No, not you.  The red-head.  Yeah, you.  Let me ask you something, what’s the name of your right tit, cause I wanna buy it a monkey that becomes its best friend, takes pictures of it and e-mails those pictures to my iPhone ever 46 minutes.”

Tiger Woods:  ”I knew my actions were wrong. But I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have far — didn’t have to go far to find them.”

Translation: “How many of you thought I could get away with this?  I mean, raise your hands.  Elin.  Elin, raise your hand.  That’s right bitch.  But for real.  I mean, I just wanted to get my lube on, and my slap on and my disrespect in bed on, and my choke on and my stab on.  The rules really shouldn’t apply to me, ya’ll.  But for real, since I’m rich as shit and famous as shit, bitches be linin’ up.  I got a fucking doorman, 3 security guards, a velvet rope and a fucking red carpet all lined up on my dick.  Seriously, one time I sneezed and 5 girls in a crowd of 2 girls had orgasms.”

"I'd say you're about a 5. You may enter Tiger's Penis Den."

Tiger Woods: “I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife’s family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.”

Translation: “To be honest.  I was wrong.  I should’ve been tagging models, but I thought that would’ve gotten media attention.  I figured if I was crushin ugly bitches people would see me with them and be like, ‘Naaaw.  Man, Tiger ain’t cuttin that up.’  But I was wrong.  I’m embarrassed that I was slicin up those broads when I could’ve been murdering much nice trim.  Now my wife has the clap, my kids have to share their inheritance with 16 of my other bastard children, my mother has buy presents for 18 grand-children, my wife’s family has to wonder if their daughter is really on the same level as the camel-toed hoes I was cuttin, my friends have to be even more envious of my penis, my foundation has to run an ad campaign telling people that I could’ve done much better than the yuppies I was cheating on my wife with and all the kids in the world have to realize that not only can they never be as good at me at golf, but they’ll never have as much sex as me.  It’s tough on the people you care about when you’re awesome.  How do I say this… being great is a curse of awesomeness.

Tiger Woods:  ”I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I have done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It is now up to me to make amends. And that starts by never repeating the mistakes I have made. It is up to me to start living a life of integrity.”

Translation: “God DAMMIT!  Megan Fox!  I could’ve banged her, but I thought I’d get caught.  Seriously, this is bullshit.  The next girl I bang, I’m just gonna flip that chick under the preconceived notion that I’m gonna get caught, that way I can nail some Maxim Top 10s or something.  Oh how I love the side-boob.”

Sideboob plus she knows how to work an engine. which is slang for penis. which is awesome.

Tiger Woods:  ”I once heard — and I believe it is true — it’s not what you achieve in life that matters, it is what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count. Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all of those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.”

Translation: “I have no idea what I’m saying right now.  My mind is in a wheat-field full of tight vaginas and 36Ds.  Character and decency are big bullets.  I love calling boobs bullets.”

Tiger Woods:  ”It is hard to admit that I need help. But I do. For 45 days, from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy, receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing. I have a long way to go. But I’ve taken my first steps in the right direction.”

Translation:  ”I found this crazy-hot therapist.  Been laying thread for 45 days.  I’m an inpatient, know what I’m sayin, like a patient who’s gettin in my therapist.  I think she’ll let me spread that butt, but I have a long way to go to get that… maybe I’ll buy some flowers.”

Tiger Woods:  ”As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants me to — to ask me for the details of the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife.”

Translation:  ”I know ya’ll wanna blow me, but trust me, there was nothing sexy about what I did to these girls and on the real, Elin is fucking pissed.  She’s acting like a bitch.  Like she didn’t know I was gonna be just slaughtering whatever I could get my hands on from coast-to-coast.  But for real, ya’ll still don’t even know a fraction of what I’ve done… … Man, I could tell ya’ll some stories.”

She was... like crazy in the sack. Totally worth it.

Tiger Woods:  ”Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false.”

Translation: “I used steroids.  Lots of them.  Also, Viagra, which is the steroids of the penis.  Because my penis gets more hits than fucking Albert Pujols.”

Tiger Woods:  ”Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things. I did. I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements, when my children were born, we only released photographs so they … so that the paparazzi could not chase them.”

Translation: “I am reading words right now.  I am reading words right now.  I am reading words right now.  I am reading words right now.  Man, I wonder if KFC is open?  Man, their fish sandwich is awesome.  Wait, am I thinking of Burger King.  Yeah, I’m thinking of Burger King.  Damn that shit is tight.  I bet I could hit a golf ball into space.  God being me really is pretty sweet.  More words.  More words. More words.”

The perfect number of apology words.

Tiger Woods:  ”However, my behavior doesn’t make it right for the media to follow my 2½-year-old daughter to school and report the school’s location. They staked out my wife and pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone.”

Translation:  ”I have a 2-and-a-half-year-old daughter.  Also, I’m mad at you for doing your jobs.  Granted, your jobs involve selling your soul, but I guess my job as a husband was not to cheat on my wife so… yeah… huh?  I really didn’t think about that before right now.  Man, I really do get a ton of pussy.”

Tiger Woods:  ”I recognize I have brought this on myself. And I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That is where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do. And I intend to dedicate myself to doing it.

Translation:  “I play golf.  I am very good.  I have a pet rock named Samantha.  I feel like some of ya’ll are starting to see through the bullshit.”

Tiger Woods: “Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught.”

Translation: “Buddhism.  Yeah, say something motherfuckers.  I just brought religion into my apology.  R-R-R-R-Religion!  Man, I am really happy I hired that speech writer.  I mean, I never would’ve thought to bring in religion.  That’s so G.”

"And yes, I do own that pillow. So you know I'm serious."

Tiger Woods:  ”As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I have learned that is how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy.”

Translation:  ”On the real though, this therapist, total freak.  Some of the things she does… you’d hurl.  Like projectile vomit, everywhere.  She does this one thing I call the ventriloquist… just thinking about… whoops.  Anyone got a towel?”

Tiger Woods:  ”I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I am making this — these remarks today. In therapy, I have learned that looking at — the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me: my marriage and my children.”

Translation: “I can literally do anything I want and the PGA will stand by me cause I make it rain on those ass-hats.  Also, that speech guy who came up with the religion thing… correct that, that genius speech guy who came up with the religion thing said that I should say marriage and children as many times as possible.  Marriage.  Children.  Marriage.  Children.  D cups.  I mean marriage.  Children.

Tiger Woods:  ”That also means relying on others for help. I have learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help.”

Translation:  ”Also, now I need help.  If any of ya’ll know any ‘down-ass-bitches,’ as I’ve heard them referred to, let me know.  As a point of reference, a ‘down-ass-bitch’ is a fine chick who can keep things on the low.  Seriously, my wife is uber-suspicious now, so I need some hook-ups.  Don’t send texts or leave messages, but ya’ll got the celly digits, so hit me up.”

"You get the chicks, I'll spring for the T."

Tiger Woods:  ”I do plan to return to golf one day. I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game.”

Translation: “I really think Elin is gonna get half.  Like Eddie Murphy said, ‘Half, half, half.”  With that in mind, I need to make some more Benjamins.  When I come back, I’m gonna respect the shit out of the game by shooting eagles like an unpatriotic redneck.  Recognize douche-fags.”

Tiger Woods:  ”In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me. I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner [Tim] Finchem and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course.

Translation: “I’ve realized through all the support of the fans and other players and the PGA that there is nothing I can do that will affect how much you all want to blow on my nuts like a horny trumpeter.  Today, I shot a snow leopard just because it’s an endangered species.  That’s literally the only reason.  And I did it while this chick from the EPA was slobbin on my 3 wood.  That means my penis.  I’m fucking bullet-proof.  P.S.  When I plan on corning at least 4 of my fellow players wives this season.  Tell your wives to wear tube tops.  That shit makes me stiff.”

Tiger Woods:  ”Finally, there are many people in this room and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your hearts to one day believe in me again. Thank you.”

Translation:  ”Did any of you buy this?  Yeah… yeah you bought it.  Tiger. Out.”

"Guess where I practice this move... I'll give you a hint: it involves prostitutes and $35."