Well, there are only a few things in this world that terrify the GTJ guys: nuclear war, zombies, and children are all on the list. But, we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here to talk about animals… terrifying, real, unbelievable animals. The following species have decided to blend their talents for horrific-ness and penalize mankind for all of our awesome, but very, very cruel ways. We must destroy them, or make them pets. Either way, here they are:
5. The Cheetelon
Personally, each one terrifies us.
The Cheetah is a terrifying animal as it stands alone. It is the fastest land animal; it can reach speeds close to 75 mph. Also, it has teeth. Also, it has fangs. Also, it is a cat, so it is in complete control of the internet community. So, naturally, since man needs to be the best at everything, he set out to destroy the cheetah and its bastardly quickness so he could once again be king of the fast-ness.
Fuck you cheetah.
Well, evolution is a bitch and the cheetah is a bitch as well. In an effort to once again rule to plains, one daring cheetah who wishes to remain anonymous banged a chameleon. Why? Because the chameleon is nature’s pussy, laying in wait and blending in with its surroundings. The result: petrifying.
"Sam, are you purring, because I hear purring. Huh. Well, I don't see anything. Are you gnawing on my leg now caus... OH MY GOD! A CHEETELEON!"
The Cheetelon has been terrorizing everyone since its inception. A big cat that can’t be seen, yeah, fuck that. Experts say the best way to know if you’re near a Cheeteleon is to recognize times when you’re all alone, because those are the times where you’re probably dead.
4. The Lionocerous
Remember kids... Lionocerous insurance is invaluable.
The lion is the self-proclaimed as well as everyone else proclaimed “king of the jungle.” Rhinoceri… rhinocerouses… rhinocerousees… rhinos are fucking huge and look like an armor plated biceratops. So, let’s think evolution, shall we, how could we make the terror of the jungle even more terror prone… hmmm… where is this going… I got it! We should give lions, the kings of the jungle, armor. So, yeah, lion mounts rhino, lion attacks rhino’s Achilles heel a.k.a her va-j, rhino births lionocerous. It sounds like fiction, but it’s not because it happened… in real life, for really.
Well, it has armor, but lionocerouses don't blow dudes so yeah, that's not it.
So yeah, sharp teeth, huge horns and tons of thick, armor-like skin. It’s like it’s the offspring of Snooki from Jersey Shore and Godzilla from Japan. Can you imagine the horror. It would basically be like the if the Lion from the Wizard of Oz actually got his courage… and then used it to bang a rhinocerous and create a master race of iron-clad fanged slash monsters. Rest assured though, an attack from a lionocerous is unlikely as they are indigenous to right behind you. Man, that sentence didn’t make any sense at all did it?
3. The Goatceraptor
Man, implausible things are the scariest things ever.
Goats are basically the punch-line of the animal world. And they were tired of it. So, what did the goat decide to do? Well, as we all know, goats are adept archaeologists and they know where to look for remains since they are basically in every country in the world. After a couple years of digging, they found it, the remains of a velociraptor. After watching Jurassic Park a couple times, they had the method down and DNA extraction began.
"Hey guys, you were right, no dino bones up here. My bad."
The Goats decided that their bodies were less than capable of world domination but their brains were definitely developed enough to conquer the globe. They meshed the stands of DNA with each other in a fashion that made the goats keep the head spot, but acquired the velociraptor body.
Ah, Joey... RUN!
Well, as you can imagine, Goatceraptors have been plotting and planning since they finalized their DNA transformation. Today, you can see them dominating everywhere from Wall Street to your face.
2. The Snider
Ewwwww... Yucky.
Well, snakes are the demons of the Earth. They move, but they don’t have legs. Spiders, well, they’re the gluttons of the Earth, they have 8 legs… that’s just too many. It’s unnecessary. So the snakes called up the spiders on the celly and they were like, “Yo, Spider. What the fuck, bro? Share the wealth home-slice, share the wealth. Why don’t you throw a few legs our way nawwaddamean! Recognize.” But, spiders were like, “Yo, this is just how we roll you slimy bitches. Back up off our legs before we cut you.” So the snakes started invading. Spiders tried to hold them off. The battles were gargantuan.
How the hell did this even happen? Oh that's right, snakes can fly now.
So, after years of fighting each other, both the snakes and spiders realized the benefits of their counter-parts. The spiders now wanted the ability to eat people and snakes wanted the ability to gross people out with numerous legs. So they made a pact and they’ve been silently wreaking havoc on everyone in the entire world ever since. Probably because they’re so gross… and yes, yucky.
Those legs look like those felt pipes we used in middle school. But they're not so it's not as cute.
So yeah, basically, the best way to avoid confrontations with these mutant demon-machines is to lock yourself in your room, inject yourself with Wolverine powers and starve yourself to death… or cutting their heads off can work too. Because we’re people and we like cutting the head off anything. Like deers… or sniders.
1. Bear-Ninjas
We used to think ninjas were cool, turns out they're just assholes... like bears.
Well, bears have been terrorizing people forever. According to Stephen Colbert, they are America’s biggest threat. Especially when they are captive and people jump in their cages during feeding times or when they are captive and people try and pet them through the zoo bars which make-up their enclosure. Come on, feeding time is the cutest time of all. Google that stuff if you think we just made that up.
The rarely photographed bear-ninja training session... cute with a dash of we're fucked.
But, because we are humans and rock, we take bears captive and put them in little pens because it’s cool to do stuff like that. Well, bears have finally had enough. And since bears are the major donors of all the ninja clans left in the world, the ninjas have decided to train the bears in their ancient art form, thus completing the most terrifying creature on the planet… Bear-Ninjas. Using the fact that they’re one of the most powerful of the wild animals and one that some people still deem cute due to the Winnie-the-Pooh and Yogi Bear epidemic, bears knew that man would always be unknowingly captivated by their antics.
Bears, beets, battlestar gallactica, as one would say. These bears beat you up and according to some Pentagon sources, have plans on inter-stellar travel to conquer species yet unknown. Why? Because they plan on enslaving these alien lifeforms and brining them back to Earth to wage war on their previous captors. For lack of a better phrase, we’re all boned. Next time you see a bear leaping across a building top or slicing through a crowd of politicians, don’t panic… it’ll all be over soon.
"Yo bro, where'd the jumper go? Aww, look. A cute bear.
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