Yes... I can see the resemblance. It's right there in their faces.
So recently, Collider.com posted an article about a rumor going around that Will Smith may have been offered the role of Captain America in the upcoming film The First Avenger: Captain America. The article is written by John Rico who, it seems, is among many of the mentally challenged quasi-politically correct fucktards in the world. He makes three points as to why Will Smith would rock the casba as Captain America… they’re all shit, and we don’t mean “man, this is shit’-type shit, but more like ‘oh my god, it’s everywhere, who could have done such a thing’-type shit. So, seeing as we’re not only hysterical, but educated, we figure we’d tell you why Will Smith can’t be Captain America.
Apparently, the Rico is a penguin... a crafty, stupid penguin.
Rico’s First Argument: ”Without a dynamic casting choice, Captain America would seem more likely to follow the route of The Hulk than of Iron Man in regards to ticket sales.” Also, “[Captain America is a] personality deprived superhero. And the exclamatory change in skin hue could help to alleviate the lack of super-power dazzle.”
GTJ’s Skull Crushing Response:
This is what our response looks like in Pictionary.
Well, first off, casting Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark was no more dynamic than casting Edward Norton as Bruce Banner. However, there was one constant in the casting choices… they cast someone to play the role that reminded us of the comic book, super-human white dudes. If Iron Man was black in the original comic and they cast Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man, we all would’ve been pissed because it’s what us lay-folk like to call, “a mind fuck.” See now in Iron Man 2, War Machine, a character as equally known or unknown depending on which virgin you talk to, is played by Don Cheadle. Why isn’t he being played by Matthew McConaughey [fuck the spelling of that name] or Zac, the douche, Effron? Well, to be fair, it’s because War Machine is and always has been black, except when he’s playing golf at a country club. Fuck star power and all that other shit. Why? Because the reason these things are being made into movies is because of the success of the original, i.e. in this case, the comics. The comics are perfect enough to be made into movies, so don’t fuck with them… stick as close to the characters and origins as possible and let the talent of your screen writers, actors, producers and directors do the rest.
No. God damn you Hollywood and your captivating blue eyes.
We mean seriously, what if Puff Daddy was cast as Puff the Magic Dragon? How about Brian from Family Guy being cast as Snoopy… that’s actually a terrible example. What if Xena Warrior Princess was played by Toby Maguire? Or hell, what if Biggie Smalls was played by Larry the Cable Guy? I can just imagine it now, “I love it when ya’ll calls me Big Poppa, throw ya’lls hands in the air like ya just don care… Get er done!!” Yeah, everyone would be super cool with that.
Notorious G-R-D. Fuck you, it's funny.
Rico’s Second Ape-Like Argument: ”Marvel has already experimented with an Africa-American Captain America: Truth: Red, White and Black was a six-part mini-series… where they envisioned one of Marvel’s many alternate Universe world’s where Captain America was African-American.”
In the Truth: Red, White and Black Universe, the only white people are Bono, Stan Lee, John the Beatle and Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down.
GTJ’s Dick-Stomping Retort: First, we really hate you Rico, you need to be sterilized. NEED. Second, what the shit is Truth: Red, White and Black? Have YOU ever heard of it? Didn’t think so. Probably because it was, and this is at the chance of sounding redundant, a “mind fuck.” If you want a black superhero, do a movie about a black superhero, but at least choose something we have fucking heard about. Hey, Rico, I drew a picture of a black dude dressed up as SpiderMan and that’s why Kanye West should play Spiderman in Spiderman 4. Well that and auto-tone. *Sidenote, someone needs to put that puppy down, it’s getting embarrassing for everyone. But on the real, we’re Americans, it doesn’t go red, white and black, it goes red, white and blue. Get it right Rico, you damn Communist.
Look at that web-slinging lyrical motherfucking wordsmith. I smell millions.
Rico’s Third Brainwave-less Argument: “[Will Smith's] skin color could provide the film with a certain political and cultural gravitas that would otherwise be missing from more traditional bleached casting.”
GTJ’s “Your Face Looks Like Your Parents Were Will Ferrel and a Leper Colony, Rico” Dissent: It’s a mother-fucking movie Rico. It’s not supposed to be cast by political and cultural gravy [that's what gravitas means, right?]. Are there any African-American fans of Captain America? Dick yeah there are [we're trying that phrase out, spread the word]! So now you want to go all Vaudeville on us and throw some black face on Captain America, dare we say that’s fucking racist? We dare. Hey Rico, you’re a fucking racist. Boom! We don’t give a shit about any race of any people when it comes to movies. Is Will Smith a good actor, excluding Hancock, yes. Is he Captain America? No. Why? Because he doesn’t fucking look like Captain America. There’s no other reason than that you ass-hat.
Oh I'm sure you do Rico, you chunk monster you.
Like what the fuck man? Did you fail kindergarten? Color by numbers dude… color by numbers. You don’t have a script here. You have a back story and a literal plethora of pictures, none of which portray Captain America as being black. So where the fuck do you get off telling us that it is politically correct to make Will Smith Captain America? You don’t. It’s a racist suggestion. Holy shit, did you just make the GTJ guys get offended. Oh yeah… you did. So no more jokes and no more articles that make our brains throb to the point of partially spurting out our nose. If you get confused, just remember what Thumper’s dad said in the Disney classic Bambi: “If you’re going to say something stupid, shut the fuck up.” Oh the classics.
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